just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
