I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
