When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
