stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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