I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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