I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
