Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
