Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She's the barista slut.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
