What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
