Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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