i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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