I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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