I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
