hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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