Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
