im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
