i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
me + whiskey = a bad person
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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