Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
