I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
