I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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