I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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