for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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