in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
