marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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