Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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