Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
