i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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