Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
