Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
