the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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