I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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