Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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