I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
