Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
