you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
