He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
