So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
