Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
