Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
