I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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