I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
