I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
