Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
