I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
