You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
