the condom got lost in my hair
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
