we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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