Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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