when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
