so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
