My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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