I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
